I know you are all thinking..."Stephanie, what is this Azoospermia that you keep referring to and why on earth are you writing a blog about it?" (Or at least I assume that is what you are thinking if you are still reading up until this point)
I think I can best explain by starting from the beginning...I bet you're on the edge of your seat...
The hubs and I got married in February of 2012 and knew we wanted to "not try not to have kids" right away. So let the obsessive compulsive tracking/timing/over analyzing begin. Just think Type A/OCD personality...I had ovulation kits, phone apps, thermometers, and what ever other money sucking tool they get us suckers to buy. (Disclaimer: This is your last chance to turn back now and head to Facebook if you don't want the ins and outs of my life)
Needless to say after a whopping 6 months of trying I knew something was up. I know in infertility time this is nothing, but it's an eternity when people around me were getting pregnant from just looking at a penis. For those who know me personally you know I have a child from a previous relationship, and I had a hard time believing there was something wrong on my end. Although, the pregnancy was not without some serious complications so who knows my women bits could have very well been damaged. Fast-forward through me being the pushy and impatient woman I am thereby getting the doctor to run some tests. No surprise-I am in perfect health and even have room for TWINS. (Curse that doctor for even saying that)
Bring on the Semen Analysis (SA)....
I like to think of myself as a realist. I prepare for the worst but hope for the best. My appointment in June 2012 was one of those times where I conveniently prepared for the best and hoped for the best...stupid Stephanie. The hubs offered to go with me numerous times and each time I declined knowing he had just come off the night shift and had to work again that night. I waited patiently as the doctor told me my ultrasound looked good and then she started to end the appointment with the typical question and answer session. I quickly reminded her we were suppose to go over the results to our SA.
I should have recognized the foreshadowing. I should have seen the signs. If only I believed in that stuff then maybe I could have known. There were no results in my chart. The doctor called the "choke the chicken" clinic and the goods were nowhere to be found. In and out of the little white room she went, reassuring me each time she would have an answer for me. Fast forward through what felt like a hundred lifetimes and the doctor walked in with that look. The look that says "I have horrible news for you." The look that says "I hate this part of my job". I played it cool (not sure who I was trying to impress). Then there was the hesitation followed by the slow sit and then the long pause-I felt the room spin and the walls close in.
"Do you know what Azoospermia is?"..."Is there a history of cystic fibrosis in your husband's family"..."Has your husband had any trauma to is testicles"..."Has your husband had chemo?"
No.No.No.and No.
At some point, maybe before all the questions or maybe after, the doctor explained that there was no sperm in the sample. ZERO. The definition of "shooting blanks". (My words-not hers) How...how...how...all I could think is how was I going to tell the hubs. How do you tell someone that? Oddly, thinking back on that moment I never asked "why". The rest of my encounter is a blur. I was given literature (Yeah cause that's a good idea-lets promote Google self-diagnosing) and I absorbed what she was saying without shedding a tear. I reassured her it was my husband I was worried about and I would be fine. HA-biggest lie ever told.
Delivering the News...
Well then I did what any reasonable person would do. I ran to my car and cried uncontrollably as I called my brother-in-law (yeah cause that what a reasonable person does). To this day I am pretty sure he thought I was calling to tell him the hubs had died. Whoops. Once I calmed down enough to breath and speak, I reassured him the hubs was not dead. Well sure enough B-in-Law was no help (no offense if you are reading this). He told me what I already knew-go home and tell him. That was not the manly advice I was looking for. After an attempted pep talk I went back to work (yes another reasonable person action) to tell my manager I needed to go home as snot was dripping down my face. Classy-I know.
Now for the long tearful journey home. The hyperventilation began the tears flowed and I can guarantee I should have been pulled over for horrible driving. Instead of pulling over, like I probably should have, I called the one person I knew could give me courage or at the very least calm me town...the twin. To this day I wonder if I would have made it home had I not had her as my backbone, my counselor, and my support. If your reading this and I never told you...Thank you and I love you.
The garage door opened. I creeped up the stairs to the room. He knew...
I sat on the bed unable to get the words out-only sobs and strained breaths.
"You wouldn't be home unless it was bad news" he said. "What is it?"
At some point I got the words out. At some point I showed him the literature. This was the part where he pretended to be strong, but I knew. I knew this was just the beginning of our journey with Azoospermia.
www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)
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