Friday, June 6, 2014

Moved My Blog

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A Case of the Ughs

Let the Ughs Begin...
Last week was an extremely difficult week for our family. A murder of a law enforcement officer shocked our family to the core. I didn't personally know the officer, but the hubs and those around me did. The realities and dangers of the hub's job hit like a freight train. It was far too close for easy deniability. Gone are the days of "it won't happen to us" or "those things don't happen here".  We got through the week together and stronger than ever.  There was a sense of ease in knowing that together we can get through even the toughest of trials. This was just more proof of that. It was an eye opening experience, but it allowed for open communication about our desires if something happened to one of us. When I say pull the plug and spread my ashes somewhere (guess I haven't quite worked the whole scenario out), I meant it.

The hits keep coming...
Right about now I am suppose to be nursing the hubs back to health after his PESA and jumping around with excitement about how many vials of sperm they were able to retrieve..yeah that's not happening. The Friday before our Monday morning surgery, the doctor called to reschedule our appointment due to a death in the family. Well we quickly got the procedure rescheduled.

Drum-roll please.......

Our new appointment is Friday the 13th. Yep that's right. It's a good thing I have zero superstition because that would be a seriously bad sign.  The hubs on the other hand is a little less jazzed about the change in date.  Although he's afraid of ghosts too so that's not saying much. 

We go for our IVF consultation on Thursday. We are hoping to narrow down our protocol and plead for an alternative to the progesterone in oil shot.  We get to be drained of more blood and tested for STDs we don't have. Overall it's going to be an exciting visit.


Pom Poms and Sweatpants

I was never a cheerleader in high school for one very good reason...I suck at faking enthusiasm and sincerity. I am an open book. When I am face-to-face with someone my facial expressions don't leave much to the imagination. I think that is one reason I love my job so one can see the disbelieving eye roll over the phone. 

During the last few years I have happily removed some of the "toxics" from my life. You know the people I'm talking about...the Debbie Downers, the self-absorbed, the aggressive, the manipulative, and the down-right evil. People's lives evolve and their desires change and sometimes the thing connecting you to someone just isn't enough to maintain a bond.  That's ok. It's not my job to make you like me, or make you want to be my friend. Heck I don't even care if you talk behind my back. It just doesn't matter. I don't give a flying f@&) about those who don't care about me...and I will easily write you off. Too much wasted energy goes into maintaining superficial relationships that bring little or no joy, and in the coming months, as we prepare to expose ourselves to additional heartache I am thankful for the group of genuine and caring people who provide their words of encouragement.  

In the meantime...I have a plan...

1. I will be a more engaged mother.

Toot toot of my own horn...I am a pretty freaking good mom with a awesome kid. Luck? Maybe partially, but not completely. Are there areas I can improve? DEFINITELY! As some of you already know, I started working part-time from home in December and it has been a blessing for both mine and the hub's sanity. It has also allowed me to feel more like an involved mom to B-Ray...minus the initial rough patch when he'd get mad at me for taking him to school on time rather than early. We've since worked out that little snafu...little shit. Or the time he didn't want me to drop him off at school because "I looked like a disgrace". Apparently sweatpants are no cool mom approved apparel-or maybe it was the 4 day old messy ponytail. Being more involved includes deleting Facebook from my phone. Done. Putting the cell phone on the charger...upstairs...away from anywhere I can easily grab it. Done. And being in the now. Now if only I could put away Word Scramble.

2. I'm going to gain 10lbs.

Sounds easy right? Not so much. If a hamburger and ice cream accomplished this then I would be well on my way to overweight by now.

3. I'm going to focus on my mental health and meaningful relationships.

I recently deleted social media from my phone. This may have been the single best decision I have ever made. No more early morning Facebook checks or irritation that someone has failed to like a photo or comment. I mean how stupid has our society really become? We weigh relationships and satisfaction based on Facebook? Although I will admit...if you call my phone I will NOT answer. I hate the phone. I'm on it all day. I don't want small talk. Just text that shit otherwise you will just turn into another voicemail notification on my phone that I will never check.

4. I'm going to enjoy my beautiful disaster that I call life.

I'm going to have staycations with the hubs. I'm  going to take my dogs on a walk. I'm going to take b-ray roller skating and I'm going to sleep in. Why? BECAUSE I CAN! I'm going to appreciate the freedom that I have and not dwell on things I cannot change.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Who Needs Pregnancy Brain When You Have Infertility Brain

I have always been the "now where did I put my keys" type of girl, but lately I just can't get my shit
together.  I am a walking disaster. I drove an hour into work for a meeting that was the following week. Did I also mention that I forgot my laptop that was required for the training?  Focusing on the task at hand has been less than easy. 

We scheduled the hub's procedure for June 2nd...cue excitement! We even paid the portion that they'd allow us to in advance. Man that felt good. We are more than half way to our savings goal, but man its been rough.

Wanting to enjoy the last bit of baby free time...

I keep thinking that if all goes as planned and we are blessed with a baby, that I will soon have A LOT less free time.  I feel like I am in a rush to pack as much into this year as I can. (Cause apparently kids equates to a change in lifestyle-who woulda thought) Sooooo....girls trip to South Beach sounded like a good idea!

I am too old for that shit...

Although I would not take back any time I get to spend with "the twin", that trip just reaffirmed I can't hang like I used to. And I am ok with that.  I was lucky enough that it rained the first night since I had had a red-eye into Miami...bedtime at 10 in South Beach...yeah I'm cool like that.We stayed out until 5 am one night and I paid dearly. A full day of recovery by the pool and dinner was all I could muster. (I must say though...the food in Miami is to die for!!)  That being said, I have come to the realization I am ok with a little mellow time with the fam.

Now I am back home with a terrible cold that has pretty much rendered me useless.

10 DAYS TILL PESA...please let there be lots of sperm!

One more thing...

If your reading this one could assume you are going through something similar or you care about me enough to follow my can you take a few minutes and sign this petition... 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Can We Kick Them in the Naughty Bits?

The hubs and I went to the urologist yesterday for the follow-up before his PESA (think needle in the man junk). As expected all checked out and we get to schedule the procedure for June. The hubs and I left super excited and optimistic...and now it's a day later and a lot can happen in a day.

Where's our secret handshake?

As I've mentioned before, there is a secret society of the infertile. It's a society that no one expects or wants to be a part of, but it exists nonetheless.  By being a part of it, you often live through the pain of a failed IVF/IUI (turkey baster)/monthly cycle along with those experiencing it. When one of us fails it is a not so gentle reminder that none of this is guaranteed. We are putting our hearts, souls, and bodies out there with the possibility of devastation.  I understand why there are those who don't want to talk about it. There is a shame that comes along with the inability to procreate. Isn't that what we are suppose to be able to do? We want our own baby...made with our partner. It's a roller coaster of ups and downs. Some days you feel like it is just not worth it and hate the world and other days you'd do anything just to feel a baby growing inside of you. We sometimes wonder if we are bad people because we didn't jump into adoption or that we want to bring another life into this already overpopulated world. To be honest (and no I wasn't being dishonest before), I don't often find myself in any of those scenarios anymore.  Most days I am just trying to wrap myself around the "why" of it all.

What's trending in the news...and why I am not a horrible person

I go around in circles wondering why the hubs didn't develop his vas deferens, why did our first IVF not work, and why do people that should NEVER be parents have kids so easily?

In general society doesn't comprehend the inability to get pregnant. What they see are examples like the woman who gave birth to 7 babies then suffocated them and stuck them in a box in the garage meanwhile her husband rotted in jail. Then there is the mother who tried to do and exorcism and killed her 2 children.  How about the mother who drove into the ocean with her children in the minivan...did I mention she was pregnant?  Extreme examples...I know, but I can look on any news site on any given day and find examples of horrifying parenting that makes you want to kick these people in the naughty bits. Where am I going with this?

There are people in this world that should not have kids (IMHO), but often times they do. This leads to far too many neglected, abused, and unwanted children in the world. The consensus in society is that all the infertile should rush to save these children (and often times we start to believe it). While this is noble in the simplest form, it is so much more complicated than that.  Yes, most infertile couples have at some point considered adoption but at what expense? Again, you are being to forced to open up all aspects of your life and let someone determine if you are a fit parent. Really? And who gets to make that decision? What about the cost of adoption? Unless you are adopting from the foster care system, you can bet your ass that adopting a healthy infant/toddler comes at a huge price and a long wait. The financial and emotional toll is no less daunting than infertility treatments.

All of that leads us back to the same fact...if you are have to buy a baby.

My heart breaks for all of those children who are neglected, scared, and alone. My heart also breaks for the men and women who continue go through the heartbreak of reproductive failure. Although, adoption is not an option I want to explore at the moment, I hope that should I come to a the crossroad of a life without another child or adoption, that I would chose the latter.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Did You Miss Me?

Well here I am again....I am sure you were all sitting on the edge of you seats in anticipation of my return.

In case you were not aware this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. (I think there may be a week/day/month for just about everything that you can think of). I don't usually put much thought into these "special days", except for the fact that National Sibling Day fell on my sister's and my 30th birthday, but this one hits home a lot more than most.

Like any other medical issue, there are groups of people that are passionate about infertility. In my own world I would like to think that I am passionate about MY infertility, but all of a sudden that just doesn't feel like enough.  I struggle with the fact that I pay for my medical insurance like everyone else (okay a slight overstatement) and that my husband has a diagnosed medical issue, but conceiving is elective and therefore not covered. Listen here insurance company...I pay for freaking maternity care....why the hell can't you help pay for me to use it!?  This is not's not okay...and it should be changed.

I have accepted the fact that this may not ever be changed in my childbearing years, so the hubs and I have opted to save...and save...and save. The way it's going it feels like we won't save enough before my childbearing years come to an end. (Kidding-sort of). We've decided that this is what we want. Now I don't believe that everyone should get what the "want", but I do hope that the odds are in our favor.  I waiver on occasion at the thought of spending more than $15,000.00 and having 50% odds of getting anything in return.  That's a horrible investment right? Wrong. We'll take our chances.

In June the hubs is going to undergo his swimmer excavation for a final time. The doctor is confident that we will be able to retrieve enough for 4 cycles (yeah right cause that's ever gonna happen).

Then we wait....

Well I don't wait...I google the shit out of the internet. Acupuncture, diets, exercise, supplements.

At some point Google will probably give me the screen of death, tell me I am insane, then send the authorities to put me in a padded room, but any sane person would do the same...

In all seriousness though-I pledge that I will not go "IVF Cray Cray". I will stay sane and know that "everything happens for a reason". Now I understand the good intentions that come with this statement.

Thank you for everyones support...and remember-before you ask someone about anyones baby making plans, know that there may be a lot more to their story.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Ungentle Coaxing

So over the last couple of months people have cautiously asked us how we are doing. Most are unsure if they should approach us and how they should approach us. What's the right amount of time? Is it too soon? Is she going to burst into tears? Well my philosophy is slightly different than the hubs. I say bring it on...the hubs is a little more timid in his responses.

I rebounded from my devastation more quickly than most. First, because I tested everyday straight for a week. Why not be prepared for the worst? Second, I knew it was not guaranteed, and despite my distain for the phrase "everything happens for a reason" I was able to find my silver lining. I also found a "pen pal" who gave me a whole lot of perspective. Or email pal in our current era. Lastly, the hubs (after A LOT of coaxing) finally started talking to me everything he was thinking and feeling.

Not so subtle nudge...

I got the voicemail from the doctor's office the Tuesday following my blood test. I did not listen to it until Thursday. What was the point? I already had the reminder with the shedding of my peach. Now that it was "official" it was time for plan b. Was I suppose to mourn a pregnancy that never existed? I was ready to make a decision RIGHT NOW. It had been a week. It was time to move on to our other options. I tried it the hub's way now it was time for my way and the hubs just needed to accept it. I am a spoiled rotten selfish f%$*ing brat. I told the hubs I refused to try this again and we needed to explore the option of a sperm donor. (The hubs was having NONE of that). I was angry, discouraged and resentful.

Fastforward 2 months...

In time the hubs started talking pretty freely about his feelings once I became a little less closed minded. I agreed to one more try at in vitro (because I am oh so excited to be stabbed with needles again and feel like poo) and the hubs agreed that if it did not work and there was nothing left to freeze then he'd be open to a donor.

We went for a consultation with a new doctor and holy crap what a difference. I had so many questions and she had so many answers. The hubs sat beside me looking like a deer in headlights (come to find out he couldn't understand a word she was saying). She put me through some more tests. When a doctor tells you you are going to go through the "less painful" procedure that just means it's still gonna hurt like hell. The doctor not so gently reminded me that I almost died with my last pregnancy and I laughed. The hubs was not laughing. I still have a hard time agreeing with people when they say that to me and what can I say...I laugh when I am uncomfortable. The doctor refused to even consider the process until I saw a perinatologist. Oddly that appointment left me feeling uneasy and the hubs feeling reassured...go figure. The perinatologist gave us the green light, but bringing up surrogacy in passing. Are you f&^%ing kidding me?

The hubs was referred to a new urologist and lets face it this doctor was also worlds different then our last one. For the first time I am incredibly optimistic.

Originally we planned to move forward again in July (and with a baby fund donation from a family member we probably could have made it happen), but anxiety kicked my ass and we decided it may be better to wait till January. It's going to be a long penny pinching year...