Ungentle Coaxing

So over the last couple of months people have cautiously asked us how we are doing. Most are unsure if they should approach us and how they should approach us. What's the right amount of time? Is it too soon? Is she going to burst into tears? Well my philosophy is slightly different than the hubs. I say bring it on...the hubs is a little more timid in his responses.

I rebounded from my devastation more quickly than most. First, because I tested everyday straight for a week. Why not be prepared for the worst? Second, I knew it was not guaranteed, and despite my distain for the phrase "everything happens for a reason" I was able to find my silver lining. I also found a "pen pal" who gave me a whole lot of perspective. Or email pal in our current era. Lastly, the hubs (after A LOT of coaxing) finally started talking to me everything he was thinking and feeling.

Not so subtle nudge...

I got the voicemail from the doctor's office the Tuesday following my blood test. I did not listen to it until Thursday. What was the point? I already had the reminder with the shedding of my peach. Now that it was "official" it was time for plan b. Was I suppose to mourn a pregnancy that never existed? I was ready to make a decision RIGHT NOW. It had been a week. It was time to move on to our other options. I tried it the hub's way now it was time for my way and the hubs just needed to accept it. I am a spoiled rotten selfish f%$*ing brat. I told the hubs I refused to try this again and we needed to explore the option of a sperm donor. (The hubs was having NONE of that). I was angry, discouraged and resentful.

Fastforward 2 months...

In time the hubs started talking pretty freely about his feelings once I became a little less closed minded. I agreed to one more try at in vitro (because I am oh so excited to be stabbed with needles again and feel like poo) and the hubs agreed that if it did not work and there was nothing left to freeze then he'd be open to a donor.

We went for a consultation with a new doctor and holy crap what a difference. I had so many questions and she had so many answers. The hubs sat beside me looking like a deer in headlights (come to find out he couldn't understand a word she was saying). She put me through some more tests. When a doctor tells you you are going to go through the "less painful" procedure that just means it's still gonna hurt like hell. The doctor not so gently reminded me that I almost died with my last pregnancy and I laughed. The hubs was not laughing. I still have a hard time agreeing with people when they say that to me and what can I say...I laugh when I am uncomfortable. The doctor refused to even consider the process until I saw a perinatologist. Oddly that appointment left me feeling uneasy and the hubs feeling reassured...go figure. The perinatologist gave us the green light, but bringing up surrogacy in passing. Are you f&^%ing kidding me?

The hubs was referred to a new urologist and lets face it this doctor was also worlds different then our last one. For the first time I am incredibly optimistic.

Originally we planned to move forward again in July (and with a baby fund donation from a family member we probably could have made it happen), but anxiety kicked my ass and we decided it may be better to wait till January. It's going to be a long penny pinching year...