The Things You Think But Do Not Say

Let me just preface this post by saying that the shit that stays in my brain is f%=#ed up. For those of you that already think I lack a filter-you have no idea. I am not saying that I am always a horrible person. I do have a very sweet, nurturing, and dedicated side. I'd like to think the hubs and B-ray see it more often than not. But be warned, if you have ever asked me what I am thinking and I say "nothing" then I am LYING.

Our trip is closing in on 9 days and the hubs and I are getting excited. I am not sure if I am more excited for the vacation or the possible outcome. I regulary ask the hubs if he is sure that he wants to do this. Not because I don't want to, but because I really don't think he has any idea what he's in for. Right now we have a walking, talking, wipe his own ass, use the toaster and microwave type of kid. We have a built in babysitter for half of the week.   I truly believe that I will be punished with my next child because the one I got in the first go around is in no way your typical kid. If I am blessed with another amazing child it is only because I did something really nice in a past life.

Oh the things I think but do not say...

Confession #1

I am terrified the hubs is going to drive me crazy if this actually work. I suggested to the hubs the other day that we choose a "safe word"-a word that says "if you ask me if I'm okay again I will rip your head off and throw it in th Ninja blender". The hubs was not keen on the idea. Actually, I think he may have been slightly irritated with me. To some this may seem like a stupid complaint, but if I don't feel good I just want to be left alone. If I want something then I will whimper, whine and complain at that time. The hubs suggested he answer with a "get it yourself woman" or something to that effect....I was not keen on that.

The hubs has a tendency to make sure I don't need anything or that I still feel sick every 5 minutes-how sweet I know, but let me be honest...I am a bitchy sick person. Sorry hubs-spooning is off the table.

The prospect of a high-risk pregnancy has me preparing for end times. I need a padded room, ear plugs, the Ninja Blender, and an arsenal of darts. One day I may learn to just let the hubs take care of me.

Confession #2

I am annoyed by "parenting methods". When did parenting become so difficult? Attachment parenting, baby wise parenting, and free-range parenting (because our kids are chickens now) are just a few of the methods that have been established to make me feel unqualified for motherhood. Kudos to the moms or moms-to-be who have the time to research all these methods and decide which one is best for your child in the womb.

I winged it with B-ray. I figured he needed food, a clean ass, and love. Let me just say that B is a child not lacking in the love department. I let him "cry it out" on occasion holy crap that is a parenting method now too apparently. Oh and he fell off the bed a couple times. I felt bad for a moment but we moved on with life. B has had stitches, a glued eye, endless supplies of bruises and road rash. To teach him to swim, I let him sink. Don't get your panties in a twist...I was in the pool with him. I dropped B off at daycare and didn't worry about him all day. I didn't linger and stare through the window and come to think of it B never had a meltdown going to school. He never clinged to my pants, screamed, and cried. I guess the love was one-sided. I just don't get it. No offense to the parenting styles; I just prefer the no rules method. 

The Waiting Game...

This part of our adventure is by far the hardest.  We don't know what to expect, we aren't sure how excited we should be, and the days are passing slowly. I am a workaholic and can't stand the thought of leaving stuff unfinished so I am putting in long days. Every day I am confident the hubs wants to scream and yell at me for living at work. I am actually surprised he has not put a sleeping bag in my car yet. I am feeling sad at the thought of leaving B for so long. I am worried that all we are going to end up with is a nice long vacation and a whole bunch of Pinterest posts that I will never be able to use. The what-ifs are daunting to say the least.

Tequila Shot of Reality

Our trip to Cancun is booked for October 10, 2013. We get to spend 18 semi-relaxing days in Cancun under the care of Fertility Center Cancun. The hubs wants this to be like a honeymoon meanwhile I think of it as more of a babymoon without the foreplay. There is something about the trip that just doesn't scream romance...unless the hubs injecting me in the stomach with massive amounts of hormones somehow just became super sexy. Note to self: make a conscience effort to add some additional belly fat for something to grab on to and stock up on tequila to calm the nerves. Once we booked the trip the anxiety started flooding my brain in an overwhelming manner. What if we have twins-or worse triplets? How much is everything going to cost? I have a child that wipes his own butt and makes it to the toilet to vomit-why do I want to start over? What if what happened last time happens again? 

Am I allowed to do a flashback in a flashback?

One could say that my last pregnancy did not go quite as planned. Now this story is not for those with weak stomachs.  At 30 weeks and 6 days I went in for a routine appointment. I deposited "my sample" into the cup and was ushered into my room to wait. The doctor came in to take my blood pressure. Confusion could be seen all over her face....she told me to lay down and she'd come back to recheck it. She came back-she mumbled something about protein in my urine as she rechecked my blood pressure. She then told me that I needed to leave the office drive myself across the street and check in to the hospital for monitoring. I asked her if I could run home first. If she was going to make me sit in a hospital I was going to at least have some socks (oh and B-rays dad). She told me no. Me listen-ha that's hilarious. I picked up my socks and "the dad" and went to the hospital. Every hour they checked my blood pressure while I waited impatiently. Finally they put me in a room. Is it just me, or are they REALLY vague at hospitals? The doctor came in and gracefully told me that I was going to take my first helicopter ride oh and get my first catheter. Then she told me not to expect to leave the hospital in 1 piece.  What the hell was that suppose to mean and why was it the catheter that made me cry?

I was air lifted to Banner Good Samaritan (worst hospital of all time).  I was put on magnesium sulfate (worst drug of all time) and poked with needles every hour. Those 2 days were a blur. I can honestly say that whatever forms they had me sign could have easily been fought in court since I was nowhere near lucid enough to sign them. On day two I was told that they would take me in for an emergency c-section in the morning when my blood platelets arrive. Google Class 1 HELLP. Well-doctors lie...at about 10:30 pm they were wheeling me into the operating room. Holy crap that is scarier than one could ever imagine. I came to at some point a day later to discover I no longer had a butt because my back swelling had consumed it. I couldn't see because my face had swelled up so bad. I had a long tube with a bubble attached coming out of my abdomen. I wouldn't wish that look on my worst enemy. 2 days after baby boy was pulled from my uterus at 2 lbs 15 oz I went to meet him in the NICU with my sister who refused to see him until I did.  Not sure what I did to deserve such an awesome sister-although I still do NOT want twin girls.  B-ray was doing well considering. I on the other hand was not at my prime. I went in for another surgery to have all the blood clots removed from my incision and was left to heal from the inside out. They even gave me this cool purse/vacuum to suck all the extra stuff out.  12 days after being admitted I was allowed to go home empty handed. The home nurse came for awhile, but soon I was on my own. Those were some extremely depressing times.  

Am I out of my freaking mind???

Why would I want to tempt fate again? I NEVER again want to leave a hospital without the child I carried, yet I am embarking on a process that could very likely put me in that position again. Boy that is a gloomy thought. 

But it was all worth it in the end....
Now that our trip is about a month away my nerves are starting to calm and excitement is brewing. The one thought I always remember when I think about what might be is that it will all be worth it in the end. I have a handsome, smart, caring, sweet, amazing son. Now I hope that I can have another child with my amazing, wonderful, bad-spelling ;-), affectionate, passionate hubs.

So hubs...just remember....you are not the only one that is broken. Love ya!

In a Land Far Far Away There Lived a Mexican Baby

Ladies, in case you were not aware men equate manliness to facial hair and sperm. The hubs is pretty proud of his ability to grow facial hair. As long as it doesn't spread to his back then I'm good to go. If you have both sperm and facial hair then you are a full fledged man. If you don't have both...well then you better be ready to defend your manhood. Ridiculous-I know. Last time I checked you can still be a woman without a uterus and boobs.

Disclaimer: This is all from my point of view...hubs may not agree. He seems to think I'm biased. Uhhhh...duh honey...it's my blog.

When the hubs first found out his diagnosis there was a lot of talk about "being broken". I tried to be encouraging, but at certain points I was just incredibly annoyed. What if it was me that was the problem? Would the hubs think I was less of a woman? I can say without a doubt that he would NOT think that. There were definitely a few rough patches. The people who knew tried to talk to the hubs, but there was no real talking that I was aware of. I could barely get him to talk about it. 

When the hubs confirmed he was indeed a full fledged man the blackout shades were suddenly lifted. If only I could get him to take down the real blackout shades then we wouldn't live in a flipping cave.

I found it very interesting that the more we talked about it the more we discovered couples hidden in the shadows who were dealing with infertility. We were a part of a strange secret society that no one wanted to be a part of. I looked back at all those times that I said "so when are you guys going to have kids" or "you guys would be great parents". I will never again say those things because I know from personal experience that those statements sting every time and it's none of my business. Hint hint people. But things for us were changing...holiday party-lets talk about the hub's sperm...wedding-lets talk about the hub's sperm.  The topic wasn't off limits. Shooting blanks was actually kind of funny but not really.

So what's next...

The research internet circle jerk had begun. I am actually quite mortified that the madre uses this term regularly after my Urban Dictionary research. How were we going to afford IVF? Do we take out a loan? Do we use our retirement? Do we try to save for an eternity? Lets be real here. For those that know me well, it is a known fact that I am all about immediate gratification. I want it now. Imagine spoiled brat temper tantrum in store. Our insurance covers no part of anything that could be considered assisted reporoductive technology. Glad I pay a premium for all those maternity benefits that I can't use. *insert sarcasm* The thought of paying 25-30k for IVF, ISCI, TESA, Medication was overwhelming. I'd explain what all those are but you all have Google.  There was no way. It just wasn't going to happen. Until....

Switched at implantation...bring on the Mexican baby.

Medical Tourism: is patient movement from highly developed nations to other areas of the world for medical care, usually to find treatment at a lower cost. Thanks Wikipedia

Lasik, gastric bypass, dental work, cancer treatment...all treatments people we knew had done in the great country of Mexico. That's right folks...we're off to Mexico-Cancun if you want to be specific! Again the advice and encouragement came pouring in "What if you come back with a Mexican baby" Then I will donate it to my Mexican friend "Is it safe" Well we won't get shot (hopefully) "Why not Canada" Canada has a waiting list and to be honest who wouldn't want to sit on a beach versus going to Canada? Other than the typical concerns most of the response we received was surprised but encouraging.

Flights booked, hotels booked...Cancun here we come....