Wednesday, November 13, 2013

A New Day and a New Outlook

Man my previous posts were sort of depressing.

I don't have a lot of snarky comments today which is new for me. It's kind of cool because I've had just the right amount of "I'm so sorry" and hugs. I haven't had a lot of "it just wasn't meant to be" or "everything happens for a reason". 

I drank a bottle of champagne...

I can't really say this was an entirely good idea since it set off a chain reaction of anxiety attack and vomiting. I slept on the bathroom floor for awhile and downed some pedialite. I woke up with a raging headache, but nothing a little Advil couldn't cure. Seeing me down a bottle of alcohol resulted in the hubs first real acknowledgment that we were out of the game.

Why won't he just freaking talk to me??

For those of you who know the hubs, I can guarantee that none would disagree that he is a seriously sentimental and mushy man. Well, for all that mushiness and sensitivity, he sure is a stinky communicator (or maybe I am just super pushy and impatient). I am a horrible communicator, but for some reason it just makes me feel better to talk about it (except at work when people catch me off guard with unexpected questions). I want to talk about "what's next", "what if", "why", and "when". The hubs just wants to snuggle.
Geez-I am not only a horrible snuggler, but I cannot sit somewhere and be lost in my own thoughts right now. I try to talk to the hubs and I just get one word answers in his rare lucid moments. I want/need more than "we will figure it out". I've had a few people put me in my place (which for me is sometimes needed). I just hope that the hubs doesn't make me wait for ever before he's ready to open up.  At least I got him to agree to talk with someone here about all our options-now if we can both just keep an open mind.

Feeling more normal than yesterday.

Today is the first day I feel "normal". I am hoping I feel a little more normal and a little less numb each day.  I'm attempting to avoid becoming that "deranged fertility obsessed lady". Some moments I am successful (in my opinion-which is the only opinion that matters).  Minus my date with a bottle of champagne, I had a very enjoyable weekend with the in-laws.  I've bored my sister to death with my constant ramblings (what a trooper she is) and I am going to remind her of the Louis Vuitton she offered to buy me. When you're sister is not comfortable with "baby talk" it helps that she wants to buy stuff to shut you up.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Retail Therapy

Negative. We will be ok. Not now-but eventually. Looking for the silver-lining. 

If you see me...don't bring it up. You will feel completely uncomfortable by my sudden sobbing.

I'm not sure that retail therapy can soothe this heartache, but I'm sure gonna try. Hubs bought some Cardinals gloves for "winter" and I didn't even flinch. I must have hit bottom. Love you all.

Friday, November 8, 2013

This Public Service Announcement Brought to You By One Deeply Emotionally Unhinged Woman

She's Come Undone...

I've learned that throughout this process as much as I didn't want to be apart of the Secret Society of Infertility, it has at least provided me some comfort in knowing that there are others who can empathize with my situation. I appreciate the words of sympathy and encouragement from others. I know that people love us and care for us and want this to work for us. I know that those close of us want to reduce our pain, but that being said...it does not stop me from becoming a stark, raving, lunatic. I am a mad woman. On Friday (today-since I never posted my original until now) I need someone to be prepped with a padded room and straightjacket.

My co-worker pointed out to me that maybe I failed to admit to myself how much I really wanted this as I was sobbing at her desk the other day. This was not the cute sort of crying. This was the crumpled face, snotty, heavy breathing kind of sobbing. FML. She actually was sort of right and sort of wrong. I admitted to myself how much I wanted this and hoped in secret, but never had I admitted to anyone else my secret desire. Now I can't hold back...it is more than apparent how much I wanted this to work. I know I have to wait for the "official test" results, but I can't put my faith in something that in my rational mind seems so unlikely. I could pray for a miracle, but it might be a little late to start praying now-besides God probably is not overly concerned with my fertility. I have thought about what we would do when we had an answer one way or another and I considered many options: 1.) Lock myself in my room all weekend and come out refreshed and ready to conquer life. 2.) Sit in my car and cry until I can cry no more. 3.) Pretend I am ok and go about life as I know it.

Since my sister in law will be in town this weekend I will have to go with Option 3. It's gonna be a "baby-centric" weekend which is a little bit discouraging. I have been waiting for my period to rear her ugly head for a few days now. The cramping is such a splendid precursor to my already dreaded weekend. I have been really shitty at pretending I give a damn this week so I am hoping that my bright sunshiney personality will shine through. If not then apologies to the fam.

Last night I went out with some friends as a last hoorah before one of them moves away. Let me just be honest, despite the hub's protest, I enjoyed some champagne. I needed that, but not because I'm an alcoholic or anything.  I have resigned myself to the inevitable. If I am wrong, it will be the happiest wrong I have ever been. It would be one of the few times I would actually have to admit that I was wrong.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I Am Woman Hear Me Roar

Oh man-had I only known...

The fertility world calls this period the dreaded two week wait (2ww) for good reason. It f$&?ing sucks. Today was the first day I cried. I cried not once-not twice but three times and it's only 1 pm. I think this is pretty good considering it is the first time.

Today I am 9dp3dt (9 days past 3 day transfer). I'm not going to lie but I took some hpts (home pregnancy tests) Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday...all with the same dreaded results. Then yesterday I instructed the hubs to hide all the tests. Now I must wait (or lie to the hubs and go buy a test using my credit card).

I know I know...

It's still early. I won't know until Friday. Stay positive. It's not too late. Etc. etc. 

Yeah that just doesn't work for me. Last time I didn't prepare for the worst I was kicked in the gut and knocked breathless. That won't happen again.  I'd rather have everyone be able to say "I told you so and be shocked for good reason instead of a bad one.

Something to lift the spirits...

Yesterday I read an article about a drunk mom who killed her baby while breastfeeding. I want to kick that lady so hard in her peach that she can never have kids again. Did I mention that a year prior her other daughter was brought in to the hospital with fractured ribs? Yeah that sure brightened my mood. Today B-ray read his school book Arthur's Bad News Day. I'm happy to report that the book was about Arthur's parents telling him he was going to have a baby sister. B-ray wants one too. Surprise surprise.  

Today sucks...the end.