She's Come Undone...
I've learned that throughout this process as much as I didn't want to be apart of the Secret Society of Infertility, it has at least provided me some comfort in knowing that there are others who can empathize with my situation. I appreciate the words of sympathy and encouragement from others. I know that people love us and care for us and want this to work for us. I know that those close of us want to reduce our pain, but that being said...it does not stop me from becoming a stark, raving, lunatic. I am a mad woman. On Friday (today-since I never posted my original until now) I need someone to be prepped with a padded room and straightjacket.
My co-worker pointed out to me that maybe I failed to admit to myself how much I really wanted this as I was sobbing at her desk the other day. This was not the cute sort of crying. This was the crumpled face, snotty, heavy breathing kind of sobbing. FML. She actually was sort of right and sort of wrong. I admitted to myself how much I wanted this and hoped in secret, but never had I admitted to anyone else my secret desire. Now I can't hold back...it is more than apparent how much I wanted this to work. I know I have to wait for the "official test" results, but I can't put my faith in something that in my rational mind seems so unlikely. I could pray for a miracle, but it might be a little late to start praying now-besides God probably is not overly concerned with my fertility. I have thought about what we would do when we had an answer one way or another and I considered many options: 1.) Lock myself in my room all weekend and come out refreshed and ready to conquer life. 2.) Sit in my car and cry until I can cry no more. 3.) Pretend I am ok and go about life as I know it.
Since my sister in law will be in town this weekend I will have to go with Option 3. It's gonna be a "baby-centric" weekend which is a little bit discouraging. I have been waiting for my period to rear her ugly head for a few days now. The cramping is such a splendid precursor to my already dreaded weekend. I have been really shitty at pretending I give a damn this week so I am hoping that my bright sunshiney personality will shine through. If not then apologies to the fam.
Last night I went out with some friends as a last hoorah before one of them moves away. Let me just be honest, despite the hub's protest, I enjoyed some champagne. I needed that, but not because I'm an alcoholic or anything. I have resigned myself to the inevitable. If I am wrong, it will be the happiest wrong I have ever been. It would be one of the few times I would actually have to admit that I was wrong.
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