Who Needs Pregnancy Brain When You Have Infertility Brain

I have always been the "now where did I put my keys" type of girl, but lately I just can't get my shit
together.  I am a walking disaster. I drove an hour into work for a meeting that was the following week. Did I also mention that I forgot my laptop that was required for the training?  Focusing on the task at hand has been less than easy. 

We scheduled the hub's procedure for June 2nd...cue excitement! We even paid the portion that they'd allow us to in advance. Man that felt good. We are more than half way to our savings goal, but man its been rough.

Wanting to enjoy the last bit of baby free time...

I keep thinking that if all goes as planned and we are blessed with a baby, that I will soon have A LOT less free time.  I feel like I am in a rush to pack as much into this year as I can. (Cause apparently kids equates to a change in lifestyle-who woulda thought) Sooooo....girls trip to South Beach sounded like a good idea!

I am too old for that shit...

Although I would not take back any time I get to spend with "the twin", that trip just reaffirmed I can't hang like I used to. And I am ok with that.  I was lucky enough that it rained the first night since I had had a red-eye into Miami...bedtime at 10 in South Beach...yeah I'm cool like that.We stayed out until 5 am one night and I paid dearly. A full day of recovery by the pool and dinner was all I could muster. (I must say though...the food in Miami is to die for!!)  That being said, I have come to the realization I am ok with a little mellow time with the fam.

Now I am back home with a terrible cold that has pretty much rendered me useless.

10 DAYS TILL PESA...please let there be lots of sperm!

One more thing...

If your reading this one could assume you are going through something similar or you care about me enough to follow my blog...so can you take a few minutes and sign this petition...http://wh.gov/l7LVi 
PLEASE!

Can We Kick Them in the Naughty Bits?

The hubs and I went to the urologist yesterday for the follow-up before his PESA (think needle in the man junk). As expected all checked out and we get to schedule the procedure for June. The hubs and I left super excited and optimistic...and now it's a day later and a lot can happen in a day.

Where's our secret handshake?

As I've mentioned before, there is a secret society of the infertile. It's a society that no one expects or wants to be a part of, but it exists nonetheless.  By being a part of it, you often live through the pain of a failed IVF/IUI (turkey baster)/monthly cycle along with those experiencing it. When one of us fails it is a not so gentle reminder that none of this is guaranteed. We are putting our hearts, souls, and bodies out there with the possibility of devastation.  I understand why there are those who don't want to talk about it. There is a shame that comes along with the inability to procreate. Isn't that what we are suppose to be able to do? We want our own baby...made with our partner. It's a roller coaster of ups and downs. Some days you feel like it is just not worth it and hate the world and other days you'd do anything just to feel a baby growing inside of you. We sometimes wonder if we are bad people because we didn't jump into adoption or that we want to bring another life into this already overpopulated world. To be honest (and no I wasn't being dishonest before), I don't often find myself in any of those scenarios anymore.  Most days I am just trying to wrap myself around the "why" of it all.

What's trending in the news...and why I am not a horrible person

I go around in circles wondering why the hubs didn't develop his vas deferens, why did our first IVF not work, and why do people that should NEVER be parents have kids so easily?

In general society doesn't comprehend the inability to get pregnant. What they see are examples like the woman who gave birth to 7 babies then suffocated them and stuck them in a box in the garage meanwhile her husband rotted in jail. Then there is the mother who tried to do and exorcism and killed her 2 children.  How about the mother who drove into the ocean with her children in the minivan...did I mention she was pregnant?  Extreme examples...I know, but I can look on any news site on any given day and find examples of horrifying parenting that makes you want to kick these people in the naughty bits. Where am I going with this?

There are people in this world that should not have kids (IMHO), but often times they do. This leads to far too many neglected, abused, and unwanted children in the world. The consensus in society is that all the infertile should rush to save these children (and often times we start to believe it). While this is noble in the simplest form, it is so much more complicated than that.  Yes, most infertile couples have at some point considered adoption but at what expense? Again, you are being to forced to open up all aspects of your life and let someone determine if you are a fit parent. Really? And who gets to make that decision? What about the cost of adoption? Unless you are adopting from the foster care system, you can bet your ass that adopting a healthy infant/toddler comes at a huge price and a long wait. The financial and emotional toll is no less daunting than infertility treatments.

All of that leads us back to the same fact...if you are infertile...you have to buy a baby.

My heart breaks for all of those children who are neglected, scared, and alone. My heart also breaks for the men and women who continue go through the heartbreak of reproductive failure. Although, adoption is not an option I want to explore at the moment, I hope that should I come to a the crossroad of a life without another child or adoption, that I would chose the latter.

Did You Miss Me?

Well here I am again....I am sure you were all sitting on the edge of you seats in anticipation of my return.

In case you were not aware this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. (I think there may be a week/day/month for just about everything that you can think of). I don't usually put much thought into these "special days", except for the fact that National Sibling Day fell on my sister's and my 30th birthday, but this one hits home a lot more than most.

Like any other medical issue, there are groups of people that are passionate about infertility. In my own world I would like to think that I am passionate about MY infertility, but all of a sudden that just doesn't feel like enough.  I struggle with the fact that I pay for my medical insurance like everyone else (okay a slight overstatement) and that my husband has a diagnosed medical issue, but conceiving is elective and therefore not covered. Listen here insurance company...I pay for freaking maternity care....why the hell can't you help pay for me to use it!?  This is not right...it's not okay...and it should be changed.

I have accepted the fact that this may not ever be changed in my childbearing years, so the hubs and I have opted to save...and save...and save. The way it's going it feels like we won't save enough before my childbearing years come to an end. (Kidding-sort of). We've decided that this is what we want. Now I don't believe that everyone should get what the "want", but I do hope that the odds are in our favor.  I waiver on occasion at the thought of spending more than $15,000.00 and having 50% odds of getting anything in return.  That's a horrible investment right? Wrong. We'll take our chances.

In June the hubs is going to undergo his swimmer excavation for a final time. The doctor is confident that we will be able to retrieve enough for 4 cycles (yeah right cause that's ever gonna happen).

Then we wait....

Well I don't wait...I google the shit out of the internet. Acupuncture, diets, exercise, supplements.

At some point Google will probably give me the screen of death, tell me I am insane, then send the authorities to put me in a padded room, but any sane person would do the same...

In all seriousness though-I pledge that I will not go "IVF Cray Cray". I will stay sane and know that "everything happens for a reason". Now I understand the good intentions that come with this statement.

Thank you for everyones support...and remember-before you ask someone about anyones baby making plans, know that there may be a lot more to their story.

Ungentle Coaxing

So over the last couple of months people have cautiously asked us how we are doing. Most are unsure if they should approach us and how they should approach us. What's the right amount of time? Is it too soon? Is she going to burst into tears? Well my philosophy is slightly different than the hubs. I say bring it on...the hubs is a little more timid in his responses.

I rebounded from my devastation more quickly than most. First, because I tested everyday straight for a week. Why not be prepared for the worst? Second, I knew it was not guaranteed, and despite my distain for the phrase "everything happens for a reason" I was able to find my silver lining. I also found a "pen pal" who gave me a whole lot of perspective. Or email pal in our current era. Lastly, the hubs (after A LOT of coaxing) finally started talking to me everything he was thinking and feeling.

Not so subtle nudge...

I got the voicemail from the doctor's office the Tuesday following my blood test. I did not listen to it until Thursday. What was the point? I already had the reminder with the shedding of my peach. Now that it was "official" it was time for plan b. Was I suppose to mourn a pregnancy that never existed? I was ready to make a decision RIGHT NOW. It had been a week. It was time to move on to our other options. I tried it the hub's way now it was time for my way and the hubs just needed to accept it. I am a spoiled rotten selfish f%$*ing brat. I told the hubs I refused to try this again and we needed to explore the option of a sperm donor. (The hubs was having NONE of that). I was angry, discouraged and resentful.

Fastforward 2 months...

In time the hubs started talking pretty freely about his feelings once I became a little less closed minded. I agreed to one more try at in vitro (because I am oh so excited to be stabbed with needles again and feel like poo) and the hubs agreed that if it did not work and there was nothing left to freeze then he'd be open to a donor.

We went for a consultation with a new doctor and holy crap what a difference. I had so many questions and she had so many answers. The hubs sat beside me looking like a deer in headlights (come to find out he couldn't understand a word she was saying). She put me through some more tests. When a doctor tells you you are going to go through the "less painful" procedure that just means it's still gonna hurt like hell. The doctor not so gently reminded me that I almost died with my last pregnancy and I laughed. The hubs was not laughing. I still have a hard time agreeing with people when they say that to me and what can I say...I laugh when I am uncomfortable. The doctor refused to even consider the process until I saw a perinatologist. Oddly that appointment left me feeling uneasy and the hubs feeling reassured...go figure. The perinatologist gave us the green light, but bringing up surrogacy in passing. Are you f&^%ing kidding me?

The hubs was referred to a new urologist and lets face it this doctor was also worlds different then our last one. For the first time I am incredibly optimistic.

Originally we planned to move forward again in July (and with a baby fund donation from a family member we probably could have made it happen), but anxiety kicked my ass and we decided it may be better to wait till January. It's going to be a long penny pinching year...

The Art of Nagging

The more I nag the more likely he is to agree with me...

Man, if only that was a true statement, but lets face it, I am not a stupid person. Nagging has never worked in this lifetime or any before it. People nag me at work...they go to the back of the pile. B-ray nags me at home and I pretend I don't hear him. If there is no blood or bones sticking out then it just isn't that important. I nag the hubs about baby-making and the hermit goes back in his shell...hence nagging unsuccessful.

Well it's a good thing I'm a smarty pants...

So having established that nagging doesn't work (this was not a recent epiphany), I developed a fail proof method. Don't nag. If you are starting to nag or think you are going to nag then STOP. Lack of words says volumes more than "yap yap yap". Because let's be real...that's what a hubs hears. I have mastered the cold shoulder...well it's more icy than cold. In the past couple weeks the hubs has felt the arctic chill more than once, but not because I was mad (well maybe a little). I became so annoyed with trying unsuccessfully to have rational conversation with him about our "options" that I just plain gave up.

So meanwhile I internally weigh my options...

1.) Be satisfied with life as I know it
2.) Sperm donor
3.) Adoption
4.) Try again in the U.S.
5.) Drive myself batty weighing options  

A New Day and a New Outlook

Man my previous posts were sort of depressing.

I don't have a lot of snarky comments today which is new for me. It's kind of cool because I've had just the right amount of "I'm so sorry" and hugs. I haven't had a lot of "it just wasn't meant to be" or "everything happens for a reason". 

I drank a bottle of champagne...

I can't really say this was an entirely good idea since it set off a chain reaction of anxiety attack and vomiting. I slept on the bathroom floor for awhile and downed some pedialite. I woke up with a raging headache, but nothing a little Advil couldn't cure. Seeing me down a bottle of alcohol resulted in the hubs first real acknowledgment that we were out of the game.

Why won't he just freaking talk to me??

For those of you who know the hubs, I can guarantee that none would disagree that he is a seriously sentimental and mushy man. Well, for all that mushiness and sensitivity, he sure is a stinky communicator (or maybe I am just super pushy and impatient). I am a horrible communicator, but for some reason it just makes me feel better to talk about it (except at work when people catch me off guard with unexpected questions). I want to talk about "what's next", "what if", "why", and "when". The hubs just wants to snuggle.
Geez-I am not only a horrible snuggler, but I cannot sit somewhere and be lost in my own thoughts right now. I try to talk to the hubs and I just get one word answers in his rare lucid moments. I want/need more than "we will figure it out". I've had a few people put me in my place (which for me is sometimes needed). I just hope that the hubs doesn't make me wait for ever before he's ready to open up.  At least I got him to agree to talk with someone here about all our options-now if we can both just keep an open mind.

Feeling more normal than yesterday.

Today is the first day I feel "normal". I am hoping I feel a little more normal and a little less numb each day.  I'm attempting to avoid becoming that "deranged fertility obsessed lady". Some moments I am successful (in my opinion-which is the only opinion that matters).  Minus my date with a bottle of champagne, I had a very enjoyable weekend with the in-laws.  I've bored my sister to death with my constant ramblings (what a trooper she is) and I am going to remind her of the Louis Vuitton she offered to buy me. When you're sister is not comfortable with "baby talk" it helps that she wants to buy stuff to shut you up.

Retail Therapy

Negative. We will be ok. Not now-but eventually. Looking for the silver-lining. 

If you see me...don't bring it up. You will feel completely uncomfortable by my sudden sobbing.

I'm not sure that retail therapy can soothe this heartache, but I'm sure gonna try. Hubs bought some Cardinals gloves for "winter" and I didn't even flinch. I must have hit bottom. Love you all.