Who Needs Pregnancy Brain When You Have Infertility Brain

I have always been the "now where did I put my keys" type of girl, but lately I just can't get my shit
together.  I am a walking disaster. I drove an hour into work for a meeting that was the following week. Did I also mention that I forgot my laptop that was required for the training?  Focusing on the task at hand has been less than easy. 

We scheduled the hub's procedure for June 2nd...cue excitement! We even paid the portion that they'd allow us to in advance. Man that felt good. We are more than half way to our savings goal, but man its been rough.

Wanting to enjoy the last bit of baby free time...

I keep thinking that if all goes as planned and we are blessed with a baby, that I will soon have A LOT less free time.  I feel like I am in a rush to pack as much into this year as I can. (Cause apparently kids equates to a change in lifestyle-who woulda thought) Sooooo....girls trip to South Beach sounded like a good idea!

I am too old for that shit...

Although I would not take back any time I get to spend with "the twin", that trip just reaffirmed I can't hang like I used to. And I am ok with that.  I was lucky enough that it rained the first night since I had had a red-eye into Miami...bedtime at 10 in South Beach...yeah I'm cool like that.We stayed out until 5 am one night and I paid dearly. A full day of recovery by the pool and dinner was all I could muster. (I must say though...the food in Miami is to die for!!)  That being said, I have come to the realization I am ok with a little mellow time with the fam.

Now I am back home with a terrible cold that has pretty much rendered me useless.

10 DAYS TILL PESA...please let there be lots of sperm!

One more thing...

If your reading this one could assume you are going through something similar or you care about me enough to follow my blog...so can you take a few minutes and sign this petition...http://wh.gov/l7LVi 
PLEASE!

Did You Miss Me?

Well here I am again....I am sure you were all sitting on the edge of you seats in anticipation of my return.

In case you were not aware this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. (I think there may be a week/day/month for just about everything that you can think of). I don't usually put much thought into these "special days", except for the fact that National Sibling Day fell on my sister's and my 30th birthday, but this one hits home a lot more than most.

Like any other medical issue, there are groups of people that are passionate about infertility. In my own world I would like to think that I am passionate about MY infertility, but all of a sudden that just doesn't feel like enough.  I struggle with the fact that I pay for my medical insurance like everyone else (okay a slight overstatement) and that my husband has a diagnosed medical issue, but conceiving is elective and therefore not covered. Listen here insurance company...I pay for freaking maternity care....why the hell can't you help pay for me to use it!?  This is not right...it's not okay...and it should be changed.

I have accepted the fact that this may not ever be changed in my childbearing years, so the hubs and I have opted to save...and save...and save. The way it's going it feels like we won't save enough before my childbearing years come to an end. (Kidding-sort of). We've decided that this is what we want. Now I don't believe that everyone should get what the "want", but I do hope that the odds are in our favor.  I waiver on occasion at the thought of spending more than $15,000.00 and having 50% odds of getting anything in return.  That's a horrible investment right? Wrong. We'll take our chances.

In June the hubs is going to undergo his swimmer excavation for a final time. The doctor is confident that we will be able to retrieve enough for 4 cycles (yeah right cause that's ever gonna happen).

Then we wait....

Well I don't wait...I google the shit out of the internet. Acupuncture, diets, exercise, supplements.

At some point Google will probably give me the screen of death, tell me I am insane, then send the authorities to put me in a padded room, but any sane person would do the same...

In all seriousness though-I pledge that I will not go "IVF Cray Cray". I will stay sane and know that "everything happens for a reason". Now I understand the good intentions that come with this statement.

Thank you for everyones support...and remember-before you ask someone about anyones baby making plans, know that there may be a lot more to their story.

Retail Therapy

Negative. We will be ok. Not now-but eventually. Looking for the silver-lining. 

If you see me...don't bring it up. You will feel completely uncomfortable by my sudden sobbing.

I'm not sure that retail therapy can soothe this heartache, but I'm sure gonna try. Hubs bought some Cardinals gloves for "winter" and I didn't even flinch. I must have hit bottom. Love you all.

In a Land Far Far Away There Lived a Mexican Baby

Ladies, in case you were not aware men equate manliness to facial hair and sperm. The hubs is pretty proud of his ability to grow facial hair. As long as it doesn't spread to his back then I'm good to go. If you have both sperm and facial hair then you are a full fledged man. If you don't have both...well then you better be ready to defend your manhood. Ridiculous-I know. Last time I checked you can still be a woman without a uterus and boobs.

Disclaimer: This is all from my point of view...hubs may not agree. He seems to think I'm biased. Uhhhh...duh honey...it's my blog.

When the hubs first found out his diagnosis there was a lot of talk about "being broken". I tried to be encouraging, but at certain points I was just incredibly annoyed. What if it was me that was the problem? Would the hubs think I was less of a woman? I can say without a doubt that he would NOT think that. There were definitely a few rough patches. The people who knew tried to talk to the hubs, but there was no real talking that I was aware of. I could barely get him to talk about it. 

When the hubs confirmed he was indeed a full fledged man the blackout shades were suddenly lifted. If only I could get him to take down the real blackout shades then we wouldn't live in a flipping cave.

I found it very interesting that the more we talked about it the more we discovered couples hidden in the shadows who were dealing with infertility. We were a part of a strange secret society that no one wanted to be a part of. I looked back at all those times that I said "so when are you guys going to have kids" or "you guys would be great parents". I will never again say those things because I know from personal experience that those statements sting every time and it's none of my business. Hint hint people. But things for us were changing...holiday party-lets talk about the hub's sperm...wedding-lets talk about the hub's sperm.  The topic wasn't off limits. Shooting blanks was actually kind of funny but not really.

So what's next...

The research internet circle jerk had begun. I am actually quite mortified that the madre uses this term regularly after my Urban Dictionary research. How were we going to afford IVF? Do we take out a loan? Do we use our retirement? Do we try to save for an eternity? Lets be real here. For those that know me well, it is a known fact that I am all about immediate gratification. I want it now. Imagine spoiled brat temper tantrum in store. Our insurance covers no part of anything that could be considered assisted reporoductive technology. Glad I pay a premium for all those maternity benefits that I can't use. *insert sarcasm* The thought of paying 25-30k for IVF, ISCI, TESA, Medication was overwhelming. I'd explain what all those are but you all have Google.  There was no way. It just wasn't going to happen. Until....

Switched at implantation...bring on the Mexican baby.

Medical Tourism: is patient movement from highly developed nations to other areas of the world for medical care, usually to find treatment at a lower cost. Thanks Wikipedia

Lasik, gastric bypass, dental work, cancer treatment...all treatments people we knew had done in the great country of Mexico. That's right folks...we're off to Mexico-Cancun if you want to be specific! Again the advice and encouragement came pouring in "What if you come back with a Mexican baby" Then I will donate it to my Mexican friend "Is it safe" Well we won't get shot (hopefully) "Why not Canada" Canada has a waiting list and to be honest who wouldn't want to sit on a beach versus going to Canada? Other than the typical concerns most of the response we received was surprised but encouraging.

Flights booked, hotels booked...Cancun here we come....