Frozen Peas With a Cherry on Top

You ain't seen nothin yet...

Fertility doctors are sort of like the ambulance chasers of doctors. They benefit from the misfortune of patients and try to capitalize on it. I'd like to think that people become fertility specialists for the noble reason that they want to help a couple create a life. I am however a realist. These doctors are no dummies.

You see more often than not fertility treatments are not covered by insurances so they've come up with all these fancy ways to pay for a baby (something so many others do for free without even the slightest idea of how difficult the process can be). People finance babies, pull from their retirements, take out home equity loans, among countless other things. And before you rush to judgment think about how much money you may have had to shell out to get pregnant? Zero? I've come to discover the common response from those without fertility issues is "if you can't afford ivf then how are you going to afford a baby". Well I guess that's for me to worry about, but the first time you have to drop 30k dollars on your child in 1 shot I'd like to know how you do it.

So back to the fertility docs. In all honesty we only visited one. The office was beautiful, the staff was pleasant, and the doctor was nice enough. He went through his sales pitch of all the things we would do and try. Earth to doctor...what part of no sperm in semen do you think we are delusional about? When all was said and done the doc had me and the hubs prepped for the "turkey baster" method. 

"Turkey Baster"= Choke chicken in cup, insert chicken vomit in peach. Hope it works and you get a cheach.

 Hey doc-come over so I can shake you. I'm confident I would not damage the non-existent brain.

The hubs and I didn't go back to our doctor because let's be honest-there is no sperm to fertilize the egg. Why do I want a doctor who is going to "try" the cheaper method which has 0 chance of working. We knew our only choice was in vitro fertilization, or the "perti dish", but we still didn't know if the hubs could father a child or we would have to consider using a "donor" sperm.

Back to the old folks home....

After a couple hiccups (hubs being a procrastinator and insurance being stupid) we had an appointment scheduled for the hub's biopsy. The hubs was a wreck-I mean a full on nervous, anxious, scared ball of mess. Thank goodness for the anxiety pill otherwise I may have shot him up with some tequila. The nurse called the hubs back...it was time. I played on my phone, made some coffee, and read a couple magazines. The door opened and the hubs walked out (well if you want to call what he was doing "walking")There is a reason women go through pregnancy and give birth and men don't. Men are Big Babies. If you want to see the world come to an end then stick a "sperm extractor" into a man's testicles.  To make matters worse the doctor punctured BOTH testicles just to be extra sure. We got home and put the hubs to bed.  Oh man if only he had just stayed there. I'm heartless I know. A little bit of moaning and whining later and the hubs was hanging off the bed with a bag of peas in between his legs. Don't worry the peas were thrown out. A few days later the hubs was moving around a little less awkwardly and now wanted to show me his "trauma". I have had paper cuts bigger than his trauma. But in all fairness. I do not have testicles and from what I have seen they are uber sensitive and I actually feel for the hubs. Who knew that I was capable? I am thinking payback will be very enjoyable for him, but probably not cause the hubs has a much bigger heart than me. Cue gushing proud wife moment. MY HUBS IS THE BEST.

The results are in...

Doctor called when we were getting pizza for dinner. Come to think of it is was like 7:30 on a Friday night. Weird. There were TONS of swimmers locked away in there. Not the smart swimmers that are mature enough to know how to swim yet, but tons of swimmers to make our own baby!