I want to thank those who read my first post and assure you all that:
1.) The hubs has indeed given me permission for full disclosure (well actually I plan on asking for forgiveness for a few things)
2.) This won't be all sad.
3.) I am writing this because I want the silent ones to know they are not alone.
4.) Sometimes its just good to talk/write about what's on your mind-somewhat theraputic actually.
5.) I think it's pretty cool that there are people who want to be a part of our journey.
The journey really begins...
So in case you didn't catch it-our "shooting blanks" discovery was now more than a year ago and a lot has happened since then. The hubs continues to kick himself for all the wasted money on condoms and all the time and stress that resulted from pregnancy scares. Ha-if he had only known!
But in all seriousness-our discovery resulted in two shattered hearts and whatever was remaining was bitter and jaded.
I would say that within a week (I know I know) I was pushing the idea of a sperm donor. I mean really did it matter who the genetic gunk came from? That's not what makes a father anyways. I will fully admit my husband does not say no to me often, but he shot me down faster than I say no to another Cardinal's football helmet. For those of you who don't know-that is like the speed of light.
I immediately began googling every reason possible as to why there could be no sperm. My "research" convinced me that there was a blockage somewhere and all they had to do was put a little draino in those suckers and we'd be good to go. You can't fault me for a little optimism right?
FINALLY, the door opens and I'm allowed in.
Your husband is missing his vas deferens...
Huh? What? Repeat. And no you do not have to draw me a picture....I can manage without the visual. Testes-check. Tubes-MIA. Leave it to the doctor to find the silver lining in the fact that the little swimmers may be just stuck without a way out. BUT of course he won't know that without a biopsy. It was starting to feel like answers were just out of our reach.
I realize now that I hadn't even let the wound stop bleeding before jumping the gun. Thanks hubs for still loving me even when I am impatient and selfish.
At the urging of the hubs we started to dig a little deeper. Our first trip was to the urologist. I thought urologists were for old people and man was I right. We may have been the only people under 80 there. Maybe that is why the doctor and his staff moved at such a slow pace...I needed a fast forward button. But it was finally our turn-and the hubs has the nerve to KICK ME OUT. We're married and he can't handle a little finger up the poop shoot...men...bunch of babies. I paced aimlessly up and down the hallway keeping my eyes directed at the floor. (You don't even want to know the things they do at a urologists office) At one point I put my ear up to the door to easedrop. I mean really this had to do with me too!
At the urging of the hubs we started to dig a little deeper. Our first trip was to the urologist. I thought urologists were for old people and man was I right. We may have been the only people under 80 there. Maybe that is why the doctor and his staff moved at such a slow pace...I needed a fast forward button. But it was finally our turn-and the hubs has the nerve to KICK ME OUT. We're married and he can't handle a little finger up the poop shoot...men...bunch of babies. I paced aimlessly up and down the hallway keeping my eyes directed at the floor. (You don't even want to know the things they do at a urologists office) At one point I put my ear up to the door to easedrop. I mean really this had to do with me too!
FINALLY, the door opens and I'm allowed in.
Your husband is missing his vas deferens...
Huh? What? Repeat. And no you do not have to draw me a picture....I can manage without the visual. Testes-check. Tubes-MIA. Leave it to the doctor to find the silver lining in the fact that the little swimmers may be just stuck without a way out. BUT of course he won't know that without a biopsy. It was starting to feel like answers were just out of our reach.
So what next??
The advice and encouragement came pouring in..."I just don't want you to become one of those couples" Gee thanks I wanted this to consume my life and ruin my marriage. "Miracles happen" Nope for us science happens "You shouldn't finance in vitro" Really thanks for the advice-must be nice to get pregnant for free. "Everything happens for a reason" Please enlighten me-I'd love to know the reason. "Stop Googling" Okay this was good advice. As I said before, I was very bitter and jaded then. I know that no one was coming from a bad place and only wanted the best for us.
The next 6 months...
The next 6 months...
Well modesty is about to go out the window for the hubs and I. Hypersensitivity will overwhelm us and doubt will consume me. One...two...three pregnancy announcements. Let the emotional meltdowns begin.
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