Frozen Peas With a Cherry on Top

You ain't seen nothin yet...

Fertility doctors are sort of like the ambulance chasers of doctors. They benefit from the misfortune of patients and try to capitalize on it. I'd like to think that people become fertility specialists for the noble reason that they want to help a couple create a life. I am however a realist. These doctors are no dummies.

You see more often than not fertility treatments are not covered by insurances so they've come up with all these fancy ways to pay for a baby (something so many others do for free without even the slightest idea of how difficult the process can be). People finance babies, pull from their retirements, take out home equity loans, among countless other things. And before you rush to judgment think about how much money you may have had to shell out to get pregnant? Zero? I've come to discover the common response from those without fertility issues is "if you can't afford ivf then how are you going to afford a baby". Well I guess that's for me to worry about, but the first time you have to drop 30k dollars on your child in 1 shot I'd like to know how you do it.

So back to the fertility docs. In all honesty we only visited one. The office was beautiful, the staff was pleasant, and the doctor was nice enough. He went through his sales pitch of all the things we would do and try. Earth to doctor...what part of no sperm in semen do you think we are delusional about? When all was said and done the doc had me and the hubs prepped for the "turkey baster" method. 

"Turkey Baster"= Choke chicken in cup, insert chicken vomit in peach. Hope it works and you get a cheach.

 Hey doc-come over so I can shake you. I'm confident I would not damage the non-existent brain.

The hubs and I didn't go back to our doctor because let's be honest-there is no sperm to fertilize the egg. Why do I want a doctor who is going to "try" the cheaper method which has 0 chance of working. We knew our only choice was in vitro fertilization, or the "perti dish", but we still didn't know if the hubs could father a child or we would have to consider using a "donor" sperm.

Back to the old folks home....

After a couple hiccups (hubs being a procrastinator and insurance being stupid) we had an appointment scheduled for the hub's biopsy. The hubs was a wreck-I mean a full on nervous, anxious, scared ball of mess. Thank goodness for the anxiety pill otherwise I may have shot him up with some tequila. The nurse called the hubs back...it was time. I played on my phone, made some coffee, and read a couple magazines. The door opened and the hubs walked out (well if you want to call what he was doing "walking")There is a reason women go through pregnancy and give birth and men don't. Men are Big Babies. If you want to see the world come to an end then stick a "sperm extractor" into a man's testicles.  To make matters worse the doctor punctured BOTH testicles just to be extra sure. We got home and put the hubs to bed.  Oh man if only he had just stayed there. I'm heartless I know. A little bit of moaning and whining later and the hubs was hanging off the bed with a bag of peas in between his legs. Don't worry the peas were thrown out. A few days later the hubs was moving around a little less awkwardly and now wanted to show me his "trauma". I have had paper cuts bigger than his trauma. But in all fairness. I do not have testicles and from what I have seen they are uber sensitive and I actually feel for the hubs. Who knew that I was capable? I am thinking payback will be very enjoyable for him, but probably not cause the hubs has a much bigger heart than me. Cue gushing proud wife moment. MY HUBS IS THE BEST.

The results are in...

Doctor called when we were getting pizza for dinner. Come to think of it is was like 7:30 on a Friday night. Weird. There were TONS of swimmers locked away in there. Not the smart swimmers that are mature enough to know how to swim yet, but tons of swimmers to make our own baby!

Story Intermission and Drunken Text

Okay-you all get the a brief intermission in the story even though some of you have skipped ahead to the end.

This post is for all those who have been supportive and encouraging whether they knew it or not. This post is also written during intoxication... (Since I'm being oh so honest)

I went to a bachelorette party tonight...par-tay! 

It's nights like tonight where I forget about a lot of things. It's nights like tonight where I can just focus on someone else's happiness and be happy for them. Do NOT get me wrong...it has taken me a year to get to this point where I don't dwell in my own misery.Tonight  was especially special. Tonight was the first time where someone knew my story and NOTHING was hidden. Someone was genuinely intrigued about the blog and it was okay for me to talk about. Tonight wasn't about me AT ALL, but I felt not so alone. I admitted to myself  that a big reason for this blog is that if things don't work out for the hubs and I, then I still have people who are there for us and I can indeed get through anything that comes our way.

Okay...the rest will need to be written tomorrow...I'm fairly confident you know why. 

P.S. The hubs is AMAZING for picking up his drunk annoying wife at 2 am. 

I think he's prepping for 2 am feelings ;-)

Toddlers In Tiaras Style Meltdown and the Turning Point

This post is going to be a little bit difficult for me because it makes me look like a ginormous asshole. The hubs will attest that I never like to admit when I'm wrong, but I am writing in a moment of weakness.  If you ask me tomorrow I will plead the fifth.

Honey Boo Boo ain't got nothin on me...

I was beginning to feel like I was on a never ending scavenger hunt of things to find but no end in sight. The few months that followed the discovery of our infertility were very dark and depressing times. We chose a select few people who we confided in. Talking about or options was not easy and never seemed to end well. Don't get me wrong, my marriage to the hubs was always solid and my first priority.  The excitement of "trying" to conceive was gone. Sorry hubs and family members but there's no holding back here. Mattress mambo took a back burner-what was the point?  The hubs dealt with feelings of inadequacy as a man (because somehow in a man's sperm count equates to manliness). Dreams of a white picket fence and four kids were fading into a distant memory. I had convinced myself (Big Fat Lie) that I would be okay not having anymore children. Deep down my heart ached for my husband and myself, but it was my turn to be strong. The husband wondered if I would have married him had we known he couldn't have children and to be honest I know I would have, but it would have been the same huge blow before marriage as it was after.

Various couples close to us had started trying to get pregnant (or not trying not to). About four months into our journey rock bottom came in the form of a package. Although the hubs had noble intentions he waited till I was a few drinks in (okay more than a few) to tell me the news. In his loving "my wife is gonna blow a gasket" way he informed me that we had received a package in the mail that day. There was no time for him to finish-the tears were flowing and the screaming, sadness, and jealousy raged. "How dare someone not have the decency to tell us with more tact knowing our situation". "How self absorbed can they be that they didn't think to tell us more delicately". Yeah I'm a shitbag-although even now I have trouble admitting that.  In my typical manner I jumped the gun. I raised hell on people that only wanted us to share in their joy. I had no joy so how could I feel it for someone else? I put my husband in an awkward position (although at the time I don't know that he was in a better emotional state than me). I held out a long time before fences were mended. Being stubborn hurts no one but the stubborn person.  Two...three...pregnancy announcements...each one taken a little better than the last. End me being asshole...well I guess that could be up for debate.

Okay so no freeway to drive but are there cars in the garage? (Think analogy people)

One thing I have learned during this whole process is that doctors like to draw pictures. They draw pictures of  ovaries, uteruses, testicles, clowns, fish, and who knows what else. If they get a chance to draw you a picture they do. Who cares if the patient's eyes have glazed over, they want to hit the point home by drawing you a picture. I think for Christmas this year we are going to get our doctors an Etch-A-Sketch...at least this way they can save a few trees.

After the urologist we were moving on the the fertility doctor. The appointment was uneventful. We went through the same question and answers sessions we had gone through before. Then it was time...time for the camera up my "peach". Thanks Flynn if you're reading this-it's almost as good as tallywacker. Unlike the hubs, I was nice enough to not kick him out of the room. Yadda yadda..."you have a healthy uterus" "enough room for twins"...yadda yadda. Hubs has been officially initiated into the world of womanhood minus the creepy alligator crank. Women, you know what I'm talking about.

That question again....

Is there a history of cystic fibrosis in your family?

Uhhhhhh...how bout you just cut to the chase because the hubs is horrible about remembering names, birthdates, what he ate for dinner the night before (unless there is leftovers in the fridge). There is NO WAY he can tell you his family medical history.  One of the hubs few irritating qualities. Fast forward through a hole bunch of boring blood tests and WE HAVE AN ANSWER (well sort of)!

Long story short:
embryo=mutated cystic fibrosis gene
fetus=did not develop vas deferens
baby/man=natural vasectomy

Yeah I bet some of you men are jealous. Now on to the next hiccup in our journey (because the ones we have had have not been enough?). If I tested positive for being a carrier of the cystic fibrosis gene any child that we may potentially have would have 1 in 4 chance of having cystic fibrosis. This of course was assuming that the hubs even had sperm to father a child.

Then there it was, finally some good news, I was not a carrier.

Women think the speculum (creepy alligator crank ) is bad...a TESA is probably worse, and it is next on the agenda.

Cherry Popped Now Picking up the Pieces of 2 Broken Hearts

So now that I officially popped my blogging cherry I can safely say it was much more satisfying than some of my other firsts.

I want to thank those who read my first post and assure you all that:

1.) The hubs has indeed given me permission for full disclosure (well actually I plan on asking for forgiveness for a few things)
2.) This won't be all sad.
3.) I am writing this because I want the silent ones to know they are not alone.
4.) Sometimes its just good to talk/write about what's on your mind-somewhat theraputic actually.
5.) I think it's pretty cool that there are people who want to be a part of our journey.

The journey really begins...

So in case you didn't catch it-our "shooting blanks" discovery was now more than a year ago and a lot has happened since then. The hubs continues to kick himself for all the wasted money on condoms and all the time and stress that resulted from pregnancy scares. Ha-if he had only known!

But in all seriousness-our discovery resulted in two shattered hearts and whatever was remaining was bitter and jaded.

I would say that within a week (I know I know) I was pushing the idea of a sperm donor. I mean really did it matter who the genetic gunk came from?  That's not what makes a father anyways. I will fully admit my husband does not say no to me often, but he shot me down faster than I say no to another Cardinal's football helmet. For those of you who don't know-that is like the speed of light.

 I immediately began googling every reason possible as to why there could be no sperm. My "research" convinced me that there was a blockage somewhere and all they had to do was put a little draino in those suckers and we'd be good to go. You can't fault me for a little optimism right?

I realize now that I hadn't even let the wound stop bleeding before jumping the gun. Thanks hubs for still loving me even when I am impatient and selfish.  

At the urging of the hubs we started to dig a little deeper. Our first trip was to the urologist. I thought urologists were for old people and man was I right. We may have been the only people under 80 there. Maybe that is why the doctor and his staff moved at such a slow pace...I needed a fast forward button. But it was finally our turn-and the hubs has the nerve to KICK ME OUT. We're married and he can't handle a little finger up the poop shoot...men...bunch of babies. I paced aimlessly up and down the hallway keeping my eyes directed at the floor. (You don't even want to know the things they do at a urologists office) At one point I put my ear up to the door to easedrop. I mean really this had to do with me too!

FINALLY, the door opens and I'm allowed in.

Your husband is missing his vas deferens...

Huh? What? Repeat. And no you do not have to draw me a picture....I can manage without the visual. Testes-check. Tubes-MIA. Leave it to the doctor to find the silver lining in the fact that the little swimmers may be just stuck without a way out. BUT of course he won't know that without a biopsy. It was starting to feel like answers were just out of our reach.

So what next??

The advice and encouragement came pouring in..."I just don't want you to become one of those couples" Gee thanks I wanted this to consume my life and ruin my marriage. "Miracles happen" Nope for us science happens "You shouldn't finance in vitro" Really thanks for the advice-must be nice to get pregnant for free. "Everything happens for a reason"  Please enlighten me-I'd love to know the reason. "Stop Googling" Okay this was good advice. As I said before, I was very bitter and jaded then. I know that no one was coming from a bad place and only wanted the best for us.

The next 6 months...

Well modesty is about to go out the window for the hubs and I. Hypersensitivity will overwhelm us and doubt will consume me. One...two...three pregnancy announcements. Let the emotional meltdowns begin.

RESOLVE to Know More and Share More

If your reading this post I can only assume you stumbled here by accident, or that I guilted you into pretending that you care enough about me to read my "online diary".  I am content with living in my land of delusion, the land where I believe you are here because you just couldn't resist the urge to learn all about Azoospermia.

I know you are all thinking..."Stephanie, what is this Azoospermia that you keep referring to and why on earth are you writing a blog about it?" (Or at least I assume that is what you are thinking if you are still reading up until this point)

I think I can best explain by starting from the beginning...I bet you're on the edge of your seat...

The hubs and I got married in February of 2012 and knew we wanted to "not try not to have kids" right away. So let the obsessive compulsive tracking/timing/over analyzing begin. Just think Type A/OCD personality...I had ovulation kits, phone apps, thermometers, and what ever other money sucking tool they get us suckers to buy. (Disclaimer: This is your last chance to turn back now and head to Facebook if you don't want the ins and outs of my life)

Needless to say after a whopping 6 months of trying I knew something was up. I know in infertility time this is nothing, but it's an eternity when people around me were getting pregnant from just looking at a penis. For those who know me personally you know I have a child from a previous relationship, and I had a hard time believing there was something wrong on my end. Although, the pregnancy was not without some serious complications so who knows my women bits could have very well been damaged. Fast-forward through me being the pushy and impatient woman I am thereby getting the doctor to run some tests.  No surprise-I am in perfect health and even have room for TWINS. (Curse that doctor for even saying that)

Bring on the Semen Analysis (SA)....

The hubs will likely put me in time out for this one, but a little time out never hurt anyone. Getting a man to go into a doctors office to "choke the chicken" in a cup is hard, but my hubs downright refused. Long story short-"the goods" made their way to the doctor's office the long way, but they made it.

I like to think of myself as a realist. I prepare for the worst but hope for the best.  My appointment in June 2012 was one of those times where I conveniently prepared for the best and hoped for the best...stupid Stephanie. The hubs offered to go with me numerous times and each time I declined knowing he had just come off the night shift and had to work again that night.  I waited patiently as the doctor told me my ultrasound looked good and then she started to end the appointment with the typical question and answer session. I quickly reminded her we were suppose to go over the results to our SA.

I should have recognized the foreshadowing. I should have seen the signs. If only I believed in that stuff then maybe I could have known. There were no results in my chart. The doctor called the "choke the chicken" clinic and the goods were nowhere to be found.  In and out of the little white room she went, reassuring me each time she would have an answer for me. Fast forward through what felt like a hundred lifetimes and the doctor walked in with that look. The look that says "I have horrible news for you." The look that says "I hate this part of my job".  I played it cool (not sure who I was trying to impress). Then there was the hesitation followed by the slow sit and then the long pause-I felt the room spin and the walls close in.

"Do you know what Azoospermia is?"..."Is there a history of cystic fibrosis in your husband's family"..."Has your husband had any trauma to is testicles"..."Has your husband had chemo?"

No.No.No.and No.

At some point, maybe before all the questions or maybe after, the doctor explained that there was no sperm in the sample. ZERO. The definition of "shooting blanks". (My words-not hers) How...how...how...all I could think is how was I going to tell the hubs. How do you tell someone that? Oddly, thinking back on that moment I never asked "why". The rest of my encounter is a blur. I was given literature (Yeah cause that's a good idea-lets promote Google self-diagnosing) and I absorbed what she was saying without shedding a tear. I reassured her it was my husband I was worried about and I would be fine. HA-biggest lie ever told.

Delivering the News...

Well then I did what any reasonable person would do. I ran to my car and cried uncontrollably as I called my brother-in-law (yeah cause that what a reasonable person does). To this day I am pretty sure he thought I was calling to tell him the hubs had died. Whoops. Once I calmed down enough to breath and speak, I reassured him the hubs was not dead.  Well sure enough B-in-Law was no help (no offense if you are reading this). He told me what I already knew-go home and tell him. That was not the manly advice I was looking for. After an attempted pep talk I went back to work (yes another reasonable person action) to tell my manager I needed to go home as snot was dripping down my face. Classy-I know.

Now for the long tearful journey home. The hyperventilation began the tears flowed and I can guarantee I should have been pulled over for horrible driving. Instead of pulling over, like I probably should have, I called the one person I knew could give me courage or at the very least calm me town...the twin. To this day I wonder if I would have made it home had I not had her as my backbone, my counselor, and my support. If your reading this and I never told you...Thank you and I love you.

The garage door opened. I creeped up the stairs to the room. He knew...
I sat on the bed unable to get the words out-only sobs and strained breaths.
"You wouldn't be home unless it was bad news" he said. "What is it?"

At some point I got the words out. At some point I showed him the literature. This was the part where he pretended to be strong, but I knew. I knew this was just the beginning of our journey with Azoospermia.


www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)